Nothing is everything. Nothing is wrong.

Sigh… Nostalgia.

Well, better clear my mind, I don’t need feelings to cloud my judgment now.

The track, If I Never See You Again

The group, Wet Wet Wet

Enjoy while I go mope around abit.

“I fee suffocated here.”

I know how she feels. Was speaking to an old friend recently and she says she’s moving out of the country. Her reason - It’s too cramped here, too stressed, too much to conform to.

I agree. In this country, you’ll never be able to feel alive. Society moves at a fast and moody pace, dragging all along with it - your mind, your soul, those fresh dreams, those dead dreams - like a tattered flag nailed to the side of a speeding truck.

Every spark is extinguished by the torrent of reality, by the ones whose dreams have already been buried. They reach up from their pit, clawing and moaning, trying to bring down those who still cling on to the threads of hope. With each lament, the threads fray and grips loosen, till all the dreamers fall like the rain and just as sad.

Ah well…

My eyes are red like nobody’s business. Even redder then the time I got dust into them and had people trying to cheer me up because they think I got into a fight with some girlfriend I never knew I had or for some reason, was crying my eyes out.

I digress.

Don’t know how many times I rewound and played the tutorial DVDs, focusing on the artist’s technique and tips, trying to incorporate them into my own style.

This, is probably forced evolution at its worst.

Nonetheless, I see improvements, no matter how sublime, subtle and minute. Any progress is good progress I say.

Ready for one more sleepless night, but I’ll be gaming a bit first, once relax and recalibrated, I’ll jump right back into the chaos that is my mind and art, and try to squeeze more progress, development and ultimately, improvement.

Also, I’m still studying game design and development while doing the above and some random paperwork. Multi-tasking everything is evidently mentally and physically draining, my right hand has been stuck in the stylus-holding position since 5pm.

Awesome.

Oh, new record, almost 24 hours with no caffeine intake! Ergo, cold turkey setting in.

Stone in the river.

Ravaged by the endless flow,

look what you’ve become.

Post Shifted

Can’t seem to get a consistent output when it comes to my art and writing. Heck, can’t even achieve middle ground, swings between good and not good. That’s what you get for being too damn critical of your own work.

Ah well, better start churning out as much as possible.

A good friend once told me, “You know, we’re all kinda made like tempered glass, when we break, we break into beautiful little shards, small and harmless. Sad and broken, however, containing a raw enchanting essence.”

He was unlike most people I knew, he found beauty in the results of deconstruction. Everything broken, shattered and torn, he could relate to and in turn, relate their beauty to me.

“See that broken signboard?” “Take a look at that shredded branch.”

“You’re overlooking some of the shards,” I said, “there’ll still be some shards of gathered malice and hate. They will cut.”

“True, that, is the beauty of humanity isn’t it? No matter how broken one can be, the potential to break others still remain. The rawest of beauty can only come from deconstruction, breaking down to the elements, only then, can you see people at their purest…”

He may be insane, but somehow, I could relate. There’s something deeper at work here I believe, a philosophy yet to be delved in. Perhaps in time, I could study it.

Insights from madmen don’t come often afterall.

Been trying very hard lately to sleep a proper sleep but to no avail.

I’ve been so tired, every time I sit on the bed, my eyes begin to close.

But that’s all that happens, my eyes close but I’m still conscious. In fact, my senses are heightened when I ’sleep’ and I wake up more tired than ever.

If this continues, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can only keep myself busy with practice, work and the occasional chatting. Which reminds me, I still have certain people I want to remove from my contacts completely, especially those that aren’t online much.

Been trying to write lately, but all that comes to mind and paper are gibberish, nothing makes sense now. And nothing would make sense until I resolve what’s going on inside - the fears, the anger, the hate, the concern, the care, the love and the need for anarchy.

Oh, and fishing, I still want to fish.

When the sun rises, hopefully I’d still be around. It’s a Sunday afterall, where else can I be?

The Moon cast her soft and lazy orange glow upon the land. I stared at her and after awhile, something stirred within me. An unease of sorts.

I could feel vibrations in my bones, a resonance in sync with that of the world.

I felt my soul reach deep down, into the planet, past the concrete, through the soil, straight into the core and latched on to gravity. It was then, I felt the world turn.

A slow lurch it may be, but the inertia that carried me along with it was frightening. All at once, I felt as if I was rooted and part of the land, part of the Earth as I gazed upon the bright celestial body up above. Something stirred within me then and I felt… change.

Anyway.

Watched the last show of We Will Rock You, yesterday night with Wiing, it was awesome. The crowd, the energy, the music, the production. All of it. A fantastic experience, definitely worth every penny. But now, I’m almost bankrupt. LOL. Ah well.